feeling not so good

I have to find some energy, some courage , something to keep me going .....I am worn out and I have done everything except diet to get me to a place where I feel better. Guess it's time to cut the shit and go on a diet...........and if that does not work, well, I won't think about that, it has to work, right??

BEING KIND TO MYSELF AFTER I ALMOST DIED

One year ago today I almost died ! Stroke, Brain Bleed, respirator, unconscious, helicopter ride to a strange hospital where a team of expert doctors chopped into my skull and saved my life. My family [kids, Mom, sisters, brother, friends, cousins and most of all my grandchildren, ] all scared to death, worrying , wondering if I would "make it through the night" . Well, I did ! Here I am , loving you all, making you crazy, trying to feel better and soon look better too, I hope .

I had smoked for [ do I have to say the truth?] 45 years, you read that correctly folks ! FORTY FIVE YEARS !! Barring the two pregnancies when I did not smoke at all and the ga-zillion times I quit.........quitting smoking became like a religion to me, something I did on a regular basis, a mission I ALWAYS failed to complete..........Once I made it seven months without a puff, several times two months, two weeks, two days and on and on. Never did I seriously want to stop. No that is not true, I wanted to stop every time I attempted to climb a flight of stairs, every time my kids would shun me because my clothing smelled badly, every time my grandchildren begged me to get rid of the smokes, OH YEAH !! I wanted to stop at those times but never did.................

The stroke that almost killed me made me quit real quick, you can bet on that !! The doctor who saved my life told me one more cigarette , one more, and I was as good as dead............and I am no fool!!! I believed him and since I had been in a sort of coma for 9 days after the surgery, I had slept through the "heebie-jeebie" period so no withdrawal at all for me . I made the decision at that moment that I would never put a cigarette in my mouth again and I have kept that promise to myself.

I will never be one of those reformed smokers who runs around trying to get everyone who smokes to quit. That is a big waste of time. I never listened to anyone, why would anyone listen to me?? I remember how annoying that was! I mean listening to the people who used to stand on the porch and smoke with me become "all that " once they quit. I'm tellin' ya, I could smack 'em right now ! I loved smoking ! Still do ! Go on, say all the "EWWW" or "Yuk" or any of the other things .........but I tell you now, I loved it ! There is something that I love more than smokes though, and that is ME !

Here it is one year later and I should be feeling better, breathing better or something. Well, if the truth be told, I am not. I could go for a cigarette right now, but I won't . I made that promise to myself and I am going to keep it . Because. Just because.........I want to be kind to myself, I want to live to see another day, I want to do what is right this one time..........I am happy to not be a slave to the evil tobacco gods any more !