Too Much Outside Influence

I am very tired , very hot and very disappointed ! Seems there is no one on this earth that I can trust unconditionally. My mother is gone, she was the only one, the ONLY one !

feeling not so good

I have to find some energy, some courage , something to keep me going .....I am worn out and I have done everything except diet to get me to a place where I feel better. Guess it's time to cut the shit and go on a diet...........and if that does not work, well, I won't think about that, it has to work, right??

BEING KIND TO MYSELF AFTER I ALMOST DIED

One year ago today I almost died ! Stroke, Brain Bleed, respirator, unconscious, helicopter ride to a strange hospital where a team of expert doctors chopped into my skull and saved my life. My family [kids, Mom, sisters, brother, friends, cousins and most of all my grandchildren, ] all scared to death, worrying , wondering if I would "make it through the night" . Well, I did ! Here I am , loving you all, making you crazy, trying to feel better and soon look better too, I hope .

I had smoked for [ do I have to say the truth?] 45 years, you read that correctly folks ! FORTY FIVE YEARS !! Barring the two pregnancies when I did not smoke at all and the ga-zillion times I quit.........quitting smoking became like a religion to me, something I did on a regular basis, a mission I ALWAYS failed to complete..........Once I made it seven months without a puff, several times two months, two weeks, two days and on and on. Never did I seriously want to stop. No that is not true, I wanted to stop every time I attempted to climb a flight of stairs, every time my kids would shun me because my clothing smelled badly, every time my grandchildren begged me to get rid of the smokes, OH YEAH !! I wanted to stop at those times but never did.................

The stroke that almost killed me made me quit real quick, you can bet on that !! The doctor who saved my life told me one more cigarette , one more, and I was as good as dead............and I am no fool!!! I believed him and since I had been in a sort of coma for 9 days after the surgery, I had slept through the "heebie-jeebie" period so no withdrawal at all for me . I made the decision at that moment that I would never put a cigarette in my mouth again and I have kept that promise to myself.

I will never be one of those reformed smokers who runs around trying to get everyone who smokes to quit. That is a big waste of time. I never listened to anyone, why would anyone listen to me?? I remember how annoying that was! I mean listening to the people who used to stand on the porch and smoke with me become "all that " once they quit. I'm tellin' ya, I could smack 'em right now ! I loved smoking ! Still do ! Go on, say all the "EWWW" or "Yuk" or any of the other things .........but I tell you now, I loved it ! There is something that I love more than smokes though, and that is ME !

Here it is one year later and I should be feeling better, breathing better or something. Well, if the truth be told, I am not. I could go for a cigarette right now, but I won't . I made that promise to myself and I am going to keep it . Because. Just because.........I want to be kind to myself, I want to live to see another day, I want to do what is right this one time..........I am happy to not be a slave to the evil tobacco gods any more !

I often wonder as I stare at the photo of my ggGrandparents, JOHN & MARY DILLON, which hangs on the wall directly above my computer: "what would they make of all this genealogy research, this "snooping" I am doing into their past??"

One one hand, I like to think that their spirits, their "essences" are pleased with my quest; that by unearthing their secrets, their joys and their sorrows, their birth dates and their birth places and any other scrap of info I can find that pertains to their lives, I am somehow contributing to their immortality and possibly to my own. I live by the Dillon Family Motto " Dum Sprio Spero" translated from the Latin it reads " While I breathe, I hope.".

On the other hand, I have a sneaking suspicion that were they here with me today, they might just tell me to "Let it be" . "Let sleeping dogs lie" . or possibly "Be careful, you may get what you wish for".

They came from a famine ravished Ireland in 1849. They were Roman Catholics and as we know, RC's were persecuted because of their beliefs. They came to a country that offered them religious freedom and a chance for a better life if they were willing to work for it. Work they did and a fine life they made for themselves and their children. They spoke little if at all about their past , leaving no paper trail for future generations to follow. No tales of their beloved homeland. Was it indeed so beloved to them as we lead ourselves to believe?

OR

Do we perhaps romanticize Ireland to such a degree that we forget that our people would most likely not have left had it been a great place to live ? We listen to the sweet music and envision ".....the land of Fairies and wondrous wishing wells". We celebrate St. Patty's Day in a more hearty way than they do in Ireland. We dream of the soft fields of clover, the soft Irish mist and a rainbow on every corner!! Possibly my grandparents had no such dreams but instead nightmares about hunger , humiliation and death. Possibly this is why they chose to close that painful Pandora's Box and and maybe not exactly throw away the key but certainly hide it in a deep dark place. Did they strive to hide their past in order to protect future generations from the pain and prejudice that haunted it?

I am not sorry that I started this quest and I will continue it. Had I not done this, I never would have learned as much as I have about the "why's". I would not have the deep love and respect for John & Mary Dillon that I do today. I draw strength from their courage and their optimism, their faith and their stamina against all odds.

I would like some feedback with your thoughts and opinions on this subject.

Ellen
www.gerisgenes.com

I AM FAT AND I NEED TO BE SLIM----HELP

For the third time this year I have started a diet. All you have to do is take a look at me to see that I am as big as a house, fat as a pig, huge as a heifer !!! I weigh more than I have ever weighed in my life.............not going to tell you my exact weight, makes me want to puke, but let's just say I will soon need a butchers scale to weigh myself if I don't slim down !!!

I went on a diet several years ago, lost 40 lbs and kept if off for about a year..............Then, stuff started to happen.............No, that is not true, well it is , but that is not the reason I got fat again. The reason is that I EAT TOO MUCH OF THE WRONG FOOD, NEVER EXERCISE & LIE TO MYSELF ALL THE TIME !!! OH Yeah ! I say to myself things like "El, ya look fine ! " " El, you are a big girl, you can hold a lot of weight !" and my favorite lie to me it this one : " OH El ! Have another brownie ! You can start that diet tomorrow". ............

I got very sick last year and by the grace of God survived my almost fatal brain bleed. Phew ! I am so lucky and I know it ! I quit smoking, no choice really, either smoke and DIE or quit smoking and have a chance to LIVE .............Mom did not raise a fool here, my 40 year puffing fest was over. Do I breath better? Who knows ......My pocket is a little heavier since I am not buying cigs every week. As well as my body ! I have a serious oral fixation, get uncontrollable urges to stick something in my mouth [no wisecracks here!] and since cigarettes are no longer and option, food has become my new "oral-ism" . Sad fact but oh so true !

When it comes to dieting, I know how to do it. I am very good at it in fact. I can follow a very repetitious menu, day after day, without faltering. I can get good results without starving myself ...............For a while............and after a couple of months, when I see myself back to a size I can be happy with, I get lazy and start talking to myself again ............"El, now just one brownie won't hurt..........." ........and that is how it starts !! That is the point I need to get past eventually. I only started to diet on Monday so we will not be seeing results any time soon. I will keep you posted on my efforts.

One thing I should do to boost the results of my effort to lost weight it to get myself off this computer !! I spend waaaaaay too much time jerking around , not only on FB but also with my genealogy research, internet shopping, so many other interesting but not necessary internet related STUFF . Oh yeah, need to get off my ass and get moving and I don't mean to the refrigerator ! I am not one for exercise, thought that when the heat breaks I plan to start with a little program of walking . I have considered the local gum as well, something I have never done before. Wonder if they have a place for someone like me who is lazy and has not done organized exercise since high school [we are talking 40+ years ago here!!].

I plan to write about this weight problem. I am thinking that will help me see it a bit more clearly and deal with it in a more aggressive and proactive manner. Anyone out here want to start a CHUB CLUB with me ?? Not necessarily for YOU [although that may be an option] to lose weight but also to help ME lose weight ! I am looking for ideas, thoughts, suggestions, kudos, critiques and/or HELP in any way you can offer it to me.......I would like to feel better, be able to move around with a bit more OMPH in my step, live a longer and healthier life and most important, be a better example to my grandchildren.

At this moment I SUCK at being a shining example of health and beauty ..............and they love me anyway ! BUT, one day in the not so far future, if I don't make a change now, they might be embarrassed of their BIG FAT GRANDMOTHER and I would hate that !

RIP again Eric Neumann, C 2/5 1st Cav, Viet Nam, Born & Died in the USA

This morning I went to the cemetery to lay flowers for Eric, my husband of 37 years, who passed away on Nov 10, 2007. The devil cancer invaded his body and took him from us in a few fleeting months. We thought he would make it, he and I , we never believed for one second that he would die. Although the doctors told us the cancer was incurable, we figured if they could get it under control with Chemo, he would get a few more years, enough time for the medical world would find a way to save his life.

We believed this , him and I , but we were wrong, he died here in our home, on a Saturday evening while waiting for the kids to come home , my grandchild's Birthday, cake & Ice cream, all as normal. ..................but then , all of a sudden, he came out of the bathroom and said " El, I can't breathe !!!" over and over he said that and then looked at me and slumped. I lay him on the floor, tried desperately to breath life back into him, my daughter pounding on his chest, valiantly tying to keep him with us long enough for the medical people to arrive with the machines...............But no, he looked at me only once more and died , boom , gone............and then, they all came, the police, the ambulance people , the family, all of them, and Eric lay dead in my arms, dead and starting to get cool, dead and not ready to be carried out of our home , not ready to go , not ready to leave his dog and his family...........BUT , they took him away , out of our back door, forever.............

In a few days, we buried him in the Vet's cemetery where he wanted to go if and when this day came, where his comrades lay dead and many forgotten, where you go and never come home again, like so many in those wars that were fought long ago and still today. ...............Next to Eric in that place lays a boy, a young brave and very dead boy, who fought and died in the name of freedom in a land very far away. They sent him home to his mother in a bag. She buried him on the hill in the cemetery and visits him when she can. Today, I found a young marine sitting beside the grave of this boy in full uniform. I approached him, introduced myself and he told me that he had grown up with the young boy in the ground. He was so sad, this young man, missing his friend, trying to make sense out of the senseless murder of a young and brave American soldier...............And Eric lay next to him , waiting for me to join him one day.

I was very ill last year , and I remember thinking that I might die. I thought this would not be so bad, nope not bad at all, Eric would be there, my dog would be there, it would have been ok, I was not frightened at this prospect then or now. I have no wish to die, but if and surely when I do, I will be with Eric again , somehow although I am not so sure just how that works, but I am not scared to find out. not a bit. ..............If figure if he can do it , so can I .

I miss my husband so much each day, more as I get older and closer to the unknown, I believe he is able to penetrate the cloak of death and see me, hear me, look after me. I also believe he lets me know this at times in different way. Crazy this, but true . Today would be a good time to boost me up Er, I need you ..........................